| It's disturbing when you become aware that your | | | | new set of benefits. |
| partner is abusing alcohol. Chances are the abuse and | | | | In a word, you "disengage," both from his alcohol |
| awareness both developed slowly and only when | | | | problem, and your sainthood. |
| things got far out of control, did you notice. Most of us | | | | If it's time for a change, it's important to remember that |
| are good at not looking until we're forced to, it's called | | | | you can't change anyone but yourself, though that |
| denial and mostly it's a healthy coping mechanism. | | | | may be enough. As you change, those around you |
| However, with some conditions it's counterproductive. | | | | must too as they seek to establish a new balance in |
| This is one of those conditions. | | | | your relationship. No, you can't predict or control how |
| So, you have now awakened to the fact that there is | | | | or what they will do, and that's the scary part, but they |
| an alcohol problem. What triggered this new | | | | will change. They may quit or modify their drinking; or |
| awareness - bail requests, DUIs, bounced checks, etc. - | | | | decide they prefer their bottle to you and leave; or |
| doesn't really matter. You can, of course, delay doing | | | | transfer their obsession to "recovery," or vacillate for |
| anything productive by simply wrangling about these | | | | as long as you tolerate it. That decision may eventually |
| symptoms of alcohol abuse. Most people do, usually | | | | be yours, but if you've been preparing yourself you will |
| for years. | | | | be able to make decent choices. |
| Why the delay? Sometimes its the hope that the | | | | Yes, there are things you stop doing - mostly |
| problem will just go away, and occasionally it does, for | | | | protecting the drunk from the logical consequences of |
| a while. Understandably, none of us really wants to | | | | their drinking. You don't post bail; visit them in jail; listen |
| head down the bleak road of alcoholism and | | | | to intoxicated monologues; lie to their employers or |
| treatment. | | | | families. On the active side, you do separate assets, |
| Additionally, and embarrassingly, there is also a certain | | | | accounts, and other financial matters as completely as |
| allure in being connected to a drunk. Their problems | | | | possible. You find new activities to do with others and |
| overshadow yours and, in comparison, you always | | | | you do them regardless of complaints and |
| look good, to yourself and others. You are the long | | | | manipulations. You look after your health. If you have |
| suffering one who never has to think about cleaning up | | | | children you look at ways to insure their safety and |
| your own act since theirs is so much worse and so | | | | security. |
| obviously in need of attention. Of course you also | | | | The best part is that in taking care of yourself and |
| have the permanent upper hand in any disputes and a | | | | improving your life you will feel much better about |
| good reason for absolutely anything you might be | | | | yourself and won't need a drunk to make you look |
| doing. Those are a lot of generally unacknowledged | | | | good. You will look good and be good in your own |
| benefits to give up. | | | | right. That's a considerable achievement. |
| And, in a perverse way, if the drinking and its effects | | | | As women, you may tend to wait for someone else |
| have become intolerable to you, working at fixing it | | | | to take the lead, but if you won't stand up for |
| means focusing on yourself, and these "benefits," not | | | | ourselves, why would anyone else? So stand up, you'll |
| your "other," and not on the drinking. You need to begin | | | | be glad you did. |
| with yourself because it's all you can do. You need a | | | | |